My great aunt died in 2013.

My heart broke in so many pieces. I was so angry at her for dying (fellow Christians, do not judge or lecture). I do not want a lecture on the state of the dead.

I had wanted her to live. Having moved to another country, I didn’t see her as often as I should have, as often as I wanted. I was collecting the stories for when I would visit. I told myself that she would get better, that she would be alive and well next time I visited. That was not to be.

Even though my dad had called a few weeks earlier to try ease the news, it was not easy. They had gone to visit her in hospital and I guess had spoken to the drs who were also not hopeful. I was hopeful however, I believe Christ does amazing miracles every day and I was believing for granny to be one of them.

I still miss her so much. I used to visit her and we would talk about everything and nothing.
On days I was stressed I would especially go visit her so I could sit and just be with her.

I loved her stories, her beautiful smile, her laughter. She laughed and smiled from her soul. And I especially miss hearing her call me ‘Karie’. ‘Karie wee’. I miss how she would always insist that we make her tea whenever we went to visit her. It became something I looked forward to.

I wept at her funeral, but I don’t think I cried enough. Can you ever cry enough for the loss of a loved one? Is crying even enough? It has been 5 years but it feels like I am still grieving. Is there a time period for grieving?

I tried to keep myself busy, remember all the memories but it feels like it’s not enough.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.

Her place in my heart is still empty. One day it will be okay. I know that. But until then I grieve for her daily.

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